Losing Nothing
Have you ever lost something that didn't exist? If you have asked me if we are having more kids and I have blown you off or gave you some nonchalant answer I am sorry because truthfully I didn't know. The topic was put away just as quickly as it had been brought up. But I have felt the pressure to make the decision. I don't want to make babies forever and the recovery after pregnancy has been tough for me. My body getting back to normal, the weight loss, all of it has been a struggle. So I decided to put some seriousness in the conversation about it to my husband a few months ago. Yet again I couldn't get a response. With a quick change of topic, I start to feel every insecurity rise up inside me. Am I not a good enough Mom? Does he not think I can handle three kids? We had always talked about 3, the in between to his 2 and my 4.
It hit me like a ton of bricks one day. It's not going to happen. We aren't having anymore kids. He doesn't know how to let me down and is avoiding any real conversation because of it. When I came to this realization it hurt physically and mentally. I couldn't understand where things changed for him. It hurt that he couldn't tell me it was over. It hurt that a plan changed without me knowing. I needed to talk this out to solve this but with who, if not him.
The topic would near break me down or drive me to anger. I truly was in some ways grieving for the child I never had. The child I realized was never going to come from me. I can't explain my disappointment. My family feels full with Olive and Maeve. It didn't feel like someone was missing, but for some reason I still had to grieve the what if. I never would have thought it would have been this hard to say good-bye to this chapter in my life. I expected to be relieved and instead I feel anxious. I am only a couple years away from having both my girls in school full time and that's a lot of time to myself. Work on myself for once, get a career and that scares me a little. My identity has been solely mother for so long and that hole in my resume is definitely hard to ignore. It was a sacrifice I wanted to make but now I am not sure where I stand. I didn't think I would be faced with these decisions so soon.
My husband, Rob, and I finally talked thanks to lots of prayer and nagging. It felt good to talk and I realized most of my hurt came from the lack of communication then the topic itself. I can also see things from his perspective now. He has had a lot on his plate since we made this move to Ontario and is feeling overwhelmed with just what we have going on right now. We have learned that it is okay to disappoint each other. When we confide in each other it only helps us grow as a couple. Marriage is about compromise and looking out for one another. I realized I had not considered Rob's feelings in all this. We have decided we are finished having kids of our own. Maybe down the road it will be put on our hearts to finally add our number 3 through adoption. Or maybe our third will always be in and out of our lives with fostering or one of our kids friends or a child in the neighborhood. We aren't too sure yet. But we are embracing the place we are in and we will see where that takes us. Have any of you couples struggled when coming to this decision?