The Enemy of Time

I never have enough time. I look at the clock and I am always shocked at where the time goes. I can remember in the past, where a second felt like 30 and an hour felt like infinity. But today there never seems to be enough of it. It is the pains of trying to figure out where to spend our time or the efforts to maximize it by doing multiple things at once. I miss time! That feels like such a crazy thing to say. I miss writing on this blog. I miss more time with my family. I miss being available to friends and family to help and hangout whenever. I have to let it go. I have to embrace this new fast paced life that feels like it is filled to the max. It is where I need to be right now.

I think my roles in life being a wife, mother, family, friend, bookkeeper, and student have all taken on different meanings. All of them I go into with more purpose then before. When you do have time, you take it for granted, lazy movie nights on the couch with your husband, baking cookies with the kids just cause and hour long conversations on the phone with family and friends. Now when these moments happen, I just soak them in. When I do make time for things I love it is done with so much more thought then before. When my little family of four are together and doing something together it feels way more important then it used to. I have always valued time. I am always easily offended if someone makes me waste it. But now it feels more sacred then ever!

Starting this past fall season, I was caught off guard by all the change which seemed to fall into my winter and spring. I honestly expected things to slow down by now but they haven't. I think just in the last little while I have started to realize that that's okay. I don't have to give up anything I was, I just have to lower my expectations a bit. I’m learning to say no I cant do that. I’m learning it is ok to take breaks and guilt free moments to do the things I love like writing this post. I'm learning less time with my kids and husband doesn't mean I love them any less, just means we are going to have more quality time then the quantity of time we had before. I feel like it has taken me a couple months to get past all the anxieties and guilt I have been holding onto. I have needed time to adjust and learn to manage my time a little better. Please tell me I am not the only one battling the clock. So if you are reading this wondering where the heck I have been, I too have been wondering the same thing. I think I have finally caught up to myself and can’t wait to share more. Pictures are from Father’s day. Rob chose to take the kids and I fishing. The kids had a blast surprisingly. Definitely one of those days I just soaked up every minute with these three.

Summer Adjustments

At the start of the summer I came in with all these expectations of late nights, warm days, camp fires, fun and lots of day trips. No more school for Olive and I for these couple months. A chance to do all the things we didn't get a chance to do during the school year. But like most expectations in life, my summer dreams were not even close to the reality. I have found it to be a bit of a process and adjustment these first few weeks of summer to put it lightly.

First week I thought my girls would never get along. First day Maeve punched Olive in the face 3 times. What is happening here!? Finally we got over the hump of them wanting to kill each other and we were hit with the biggest heat wave ever! Now I think I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. A summer both the girls and I can finally get on board with. Lots of swimming in Grandma and Grandpa's pool, trips to the splash pad, crafts and painting. I'm starting to realize that day trips and museums might actually not be a good fit for my kids after all. They are a nice treat every now and then but they are truly their happiest long term with lower key days. 

Parenting always seems to have a weird way of slapping you across the face and yelling YOU'RE WRONG! I really just have to laugh at this whole adjustment period because it has been something else. So here is to laughing at myself, taking a step back, and just seeing where this summer heat takes us. Oh and lots of ice cream! I hope you're having an easier time transitioning into this wonderful season. What do you fill your summer days with?

Behind The Lens

One of my absolute favourite past times is looking back on photos of the girls. Seeing the similarities and the differences between the the two of the them when they were at the same age. Remembering all the laughs, tears and priceless moments. But something that has become more and more apparent to me, is how little I am there. I don't mean physically because most of the time I am the one taking the photo but I am not in a lot of photos. And although I would love to point the finger at Rob I know I have told him not to or avoided it. I find myself thinking to when the girls are going to start looking through these photos and the memories of their childhood. It makes me kind of sad that they won't see my joy and happiness, my pure enjoyment of getting the privilege of being their mom. And I know exactly why I have chosen to be on the other side. When I lose the weight, I'll be in more photos. When I finally get my hair done, I'll be in more photos. When I am all done up, I'll be in more photos. Yes, I am over weight. Yes, I haven't cut my hair in over a year. Yes, there are numerous reasons why I choose to hide and demand to take the photo. Why do I do this and remove myself from the picture? I am terrified of being judged! But I think my biggest critic is myself. Because every time I have been in a photo on social media I've recieved nothing but love from family and friends. 

I'm really trying to put aside the fact that I have not achieved my goals yesterday and really enjoying the moment and place I am in. Letting myself become part of that picture shouldn't be a scary thing. I know when my girls look back on these photos they aren't going to see a straggly, over weight, baggy eyed women like I see, they are going to see a their mom who loves and adores them, who was always there no matter what. I know this may come easier to some then others but I am trying to care less of what I look like (to some capacity) and care more about what that moment meant to us and why we felt the need to document it in the first place. I can't change the past but I can start now by being okay with my imperfections and the things I can't change over night moving forward. I know for most of us, documenting yourself when you are struggling with anything can be a hard task. But I think the key for us to remember is that we aren't documenting the struggle we are capturing a moment. There is more to that moment then the struggle. It is also very humbling to look back see the growth or maybe seeing what you still need some work on. 

So, if you're like me, lets work on this together to love ourselves a little more and not be too worried about what got caught on camera. Give it 5 years and we will all laugh about it right!? I apologize for any no make-up, greasy hair, double chin photos of me going forward ;) I've shared some photos I have been too scared to share before (no judgement some are pretty rough) and a lot  from our attempts at family photos on Family Day.