Behind The Lens

One of my absolute favourite past times is looking back on photos of the girls. Seeing the similarities and the differences between the the two of the them when they were at the same age. Remembering all the laughs, tears and priceless moments. But something that has become more and more apparent to me, is how little I am there. I don't mean physically because most of the time I am the one taking the photo but I am not in a lot of photos. And although I would love to point the finger at Rob I know I have told him not to or avoided it. I find myself thinking to when the girls are going to start looking through these photos and the memories of their childhood. It makes me kind of sad that they won't see my joy and happiness, my pure enjoyment of getting the privilege of being their mom. And I know exactly why I have chosen to be on the other side. When I lose the weight, I'll be in more photos. When I finally get my hair done, I'll be in more photos. When I am all done up, I'll be in more photos. Yes, I am over weight. Yes, I haven't cut my hair in over a year. Yes, there are numerous reasons why I choose to hide and demand to take the photo. Why do I do this and remove myself from the picture? I am terrified of being judged! But I think my biggest critic is myself. Because every time I have been in a photo on social media I've recieved nothing but love from family and friends. 

I'm really trying to put aside the fact that I have not achieved my goals yesterday and really enjoying the moment and place I am in. Letting myself become part of that picture shouldn't be a scary thing. I know when my girls look back on these photos they aren't going to see a straggly, over weight, baggy eyed women like I see, they are going to see a their mom who loves and adores them, who was always there no matter what. I know this may come easier to some then others but I am trying to care less of what I look like (to some capacity) and care more about what that moment meant to us and why we felt the need to document it in the first place. I can't change the past but I can start now by being okay with my imperfections and the things I can't change over night moving forward. I know for most of us, documenting yourself when you are struggling with anything can be a hard task. But I think the key for us to remember is that we aren't documenting the struggle we are capturing a moment. There is more to that moment then the struggle. It is also very humbling to look back see the growth or maybe seeing what you still need some work on. 

So, if you're like me, lets work on this together to love ourselves a little more and not be too worried about what got caught on camera. Give it 5 years and we will all laugh about it right!? I apologize for any no make-up, greasy hair, double chin photos of me going forward ;) I've shared some photos I have been too scared to share before (no judgement some are pretty rough) and a lot  from our attempts at family photos on Family Day.

Happy Birthday Mom!

I've had the most unfortunate luck of catching a terrible cold this first week, as Rob is gone off to school 2 hours away. This, and it being my mother's birthday this past Saturday, has brought back the most memorable times of being sick at home as a kid. The best one that comes to mind would have to be when I was in high school. I came to my mom looking for some medicine for the cold I just got. She rooted through our medicine bin to find only one bottle of cold medicine, which I then noticed was expired. Most would throw it away, but not us. According to my mom, it was just a date and if anything, the medicine got weaker. So with that theory; just triple the dose! 

(My Dad and Mom holding Olive when she was only a week old.)

I remember clinging the the bathroom door frame while trying to describe my symptoms to my mom. Feeling funny, feeling heavy and pretty sure the room was spinning. Laughing it off, saying I like to be dramatic, my mom sent me to bed saying I would feel fine come morning. That was the last thing I remembered when waking up on my bedroom floor the next morning. Still wearing the same thing from the day before and peeling off a piece of paper stuck to my face that was on the floor, I stumbled downstairs. I could not believe no one heard the thud of my body hitting the floor! I couldn't believe no one checked to see if sick ole me made it to bed in one piece! Everyone had a good laugh at my expense though that morning. 

(My Mom and I after Maeve was born.)

Although my mom would hate me for sharing this story, I think it speaks a lot to the type of person she is and not in a bad way. Yes, the expired cold medicine was a bad call for sure. But she is always so optimistic. She is always the one to make light of almost any situation. Laugh at all the most inappropriate times. She is all of our go-to person to this day. 

(Golden Oldie of my parents and I.)

Mom, you are the one that holds this family together. We rely on you for everything from your time to your advice. You never ask for anything in return and you are always there when we need you. You are an amazing grandparent to my girls and Lyncoln. You are my best friend and I rely on you for so much. I admire the beautiful, funny, smart person you are. I hope Dad spoiled you on Saturday because if anyone deserves it, it's you. I know I never said it, but thank you for taking care of me and being there for me even if you didn't check up on me that one time. You have taught me to laugh at myself and I hope one day I can be as just as good of a mother to my kids as you are to yours. Happy Birthday Mom! Love you so much! xo