Behind The Lens

One of my absolute favourite past times is looking back on photos of the girls. Seeing the similarities and the differences between the the two of the them when they were at the same age. Remembering all the laughs, tears and priceless moments. But something that has become more and more apparent to me, is how little I am there. I don't mean physically because most of the time I am the one taking the photo but I am not in a lot of photos. And although I would love to point the finger at Rob I know I have told him not to or avoided it. I find myself thinking to when the girls are going to start looking through these photos and the memories of their childhood. It makes me kind of sad that they won't see my joy and happiness, my pure enjoyment of getting the privilege of being their mom. And I know exactly why I have chosen to be on the other side. When I lose the weight, I'll be in more photos. When I finally get my hair done, I'll be in more photos. When I am all done up, I'll be in more photos. Yes, I am over weight. Yes, I haven't cut my hair in over a year. Yes, there are numerous reasons why I choose to hide and demand to take the photo. Why do I do this and remove myself from the picture? I am terrified of being judged! But I think my biggest critic is myself. Because every time I have been in a photo on social media I've recieved nothing but love from family and friends. 

I'm really trying to put aside the fact that I have not achieved my goals yesterday and really enjoying the moment and place I am in. Letting myself become part of that picture shouldn't be a scary thing. I know when my girls look back on these photos they aren't going to see a straggly, over weight, baggy eyed women like I see, they are going to see a their mom who loves and adores them, who was always there no matter what. I know this may come easier to some then others but I am trying to care less of what I look like (to some capacity) and care more about what that moment meant to us and why we felt the need to document it in the first place. I can't change the past but I can start now by being okay with my imperfections and the things I can't change over night moving forward. I know for most of us, documenting yourself when you are struggling with anything can be a hard task. But I think the key for us to remember is that we aren't documenting the struggle we are capturing a moment. There is more to that moment then the struggle. It is also very humbling to look back see the growth or maybe seeing what you still need some work on. 

So, if you're like me, lets work on this together to love ourselves a little more and not be too worried about what got caught on camera. Give it 5 years and we will all laugh about it right!? I apologize for any no make-up, greasy hair, double chin photos of me going forward ;) I've shared some photos I have been too scared to share before (no judgement some are pretty rough) and a lot  from our attempts at family photos on Family Day.